Sometimes it's not about others but about yourself

God is so gracious with me, as I spend time in a 4 star hotel in the famous River Kwai in Kanchanaburi

I want to praise God! He is so good to me (to us!)

I should of known He'd cap nicely my time here in Thailand with some insights, wisdom and understanding, as He explains the reasons I went though a couple of the not-so-nice-internal-issues over the past 9 months. Firstly He encouraged and reminded me with this -

I should not present my petitions to God to prove whether He will fulfill His word, but because He will fulfill it; not to prove that He loves me, but because He loves me. "Without faith it is impossible to please Him: for when I come to God, I must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of my diligently seeking Him" Hebrews 11:6 (I like adding me, I, etc so I feel it for me personally)

What an interesting, hard, delightful, exciting, and life changing 9 months it's been! What is life, if it's not intertwined with exciting, once-in-a-life-time experiences, eh? Even the icky stuff.

My expectations on being a 'missionary' have certainly been altered, or should I say refined. I've internally 'down graded' myself to volunteer, lol. Maybe I got it all wrong - I was all gun-ho on being the catalyst for positive change in the people I was to meet. But it seemed to backfire - or rather, in hindsight, my pride took a little tumble :)  I don't recall in the years I've been a Christian to date, of a more harder personal inward experience. Trying to put my finger on the 'why' was a little elusive, so I had a little talk with Jesus...

"Just what have I been going through?
I mean, what have I been internally dealing (or not dealing) with?" 

OK, breathing deeply - these are the questions He seems to LOVE answering quickly. If I'm to learn from this, then I best know what's really going on so I don't sweep it under the carpet, so-to-speak. I noticed I've been tempted to wonder if I'm even suited for mission service. Once I heard that in my head I knew it was the whispering ways Satan has been niggling at me, trying to fill my mind with comments that have made me miss trust God.

So realising at least this much, we begin a little convo and He draws my attention to these issues: 

"Self-reliance / lack of trust / misappropriation of my faith"

Shivers! - Didn't have to wait very long on hearing that! He must of prepped me and was eager to let me know! OK, I guess I was ready to hear this - "like or not, here I come!" rings playfully in my ears from childhood hide and go seek games. :D

Life never seems to be cut and dry, or what you think it's all about - And as I try to nut out with God whats really going on at the core issue, it seems that the happenings in my daily life are all reflecting the 3 areas above, so I'm learning. When I pondered each one, the Lord brought to mind each instance and yes He was correct - as usual :)

However the Lord then reminds me that there was a reason He's allowed the year to happen as it has - for my own personal growth. Finally after that being all said and done He encourages me with the following comments though our time together:

"Don't fret about the less than glorious times you've had here, I knew you'd react like that because I know you, and I am leading you even when you think I'm not. 

Don't fret also that you've not 'done' what you thought you were coming here for, as I have a perfect plan and part of it was allowing you to grow more by squeezing you a little - remember I'll not put you through something harder than you can bear

I've guided you here to Thailand because, 1) You said you were willing to come and I like that willingness in my children, 2) I knew you desire to travel, I enjoy giving you your hearts desire

It's ok to leave, as I've got Thailand, I know what I'm doing and I know how my plan proceeds. Not everything rests on your shoulders and remember I know the end from the very beginning - so don't 'take on' that it's your job. Remember that you are an instrument in my hands and I have worked though you and in ways you don't know. Trust this.

Know that you've grown since being here and this will be made evident in time.

Remember that I have promised you that I will finish the work I started in you."

He is a good God to talk with and encourage me as He does. And He's guiding me into my next adventure.