The Crash and the Caving

My intention behind writing this blog was to entertain with witty stories of some of the funny and ordinary things that've befallen me while overseas, cover some of the practicals of travel, to inspire through documenting my personal experiences with God, and, to be brave enough to tell of the not so nice things that I've gone through. In my heart I wanted to give a true account of mission service, so that other mission minded people would get a clearer picture of what they're walking into.

morbid & spooky hanging head

But who really wants to admit to their 'stuff'? Sometimes its just easier to have the 'happy sabbath' face on and not share what's really going on. To give you the impression I've got it all together so much more suits me than to be vulnerable and transparent which would be reserved for my closest of friends. I also want to be careful with my words, I don't want to discriminate, hurt, offend or stretch the truth about any one person or a situation I find myself experiencing, nor do I wish to have you go through my underwear draw!

I've come to realise that everything is perceived from my point of view, and therefore the disclaimer here is "Everything shared is NOT necessarily the opinion of others". Although - you may relate. :)

So - I'm in Thailand. I mean ... THAILAND! The place you told me was SO amazing and assured me that I'd LOVE it. You told me you've been holidaying here for years. You told me about the beaches, and how you learned to dive here. You talked about the food, the shopping, the heat. I was geared up to enjoy Thailand.

Yet 3 months into my service trip I find myself feeling cynical, disgruntled, disillusioned, disappointed, despondent, doubtful, annoyed, irritated and dispassionate, oh, and recently - arrogant and angry and vis-a- vis.

It seemed in one swoop I was in a bad place after the highs of the previous stories I've shared. I mean, God had spoken directly to me, then through me... God!... Who created everything! S.p.o.k.e. toooo meeee!!! And I feel like this so soon after?!

I started feeling challenged on every side. Small things at first - like noticing all the rubbish everywhere to the pong of the klong (waterways), the grime and hustle and bustle of the city, the fact that cars don't really stop as I attempt to cross the road. I wanted to give people a piece of my mind. You should of heard the inside of my head... "If I was in their shoes I would....!!! fix this!".

From that slippery slope, I plunged into issues I persevered in those around me. The cultural delights I'd first noticed started grating on me, I chose not to understand and I think I stepped on toes and caused offense, and it seemed to me I was a bull in a china shop. I was not a happy camper.  

I was being lovingly mentored about the relational aspect of working with the lovely people in the Thai culture, that it's to be first and more important than my task driven, list making orientated ways. Huh?! Think I was looking at an alien - it did not compute.

Still, I wondered at the teaching that I was been spoon feed. But like a stubborn child in a highchair, I refused to eat what was on my plate, but my hair and nappy were full from playing with it.

Then it came. The crash and the caving. 

The White Temple - Chiang Rai, Thailand. Hundreds of sculpted hands reaching up from “Hell”,
symbolizing the way to happiness through overcoming cravings. I made it over the bridge - Phew!

I wanted nothing more to do with people. I almost laughed as I was reminded (God trying to get through to me) of the Pineapple Stories and how the missionary speaker said "I'd be a better missionary if it wasn't for all you natives!". But I pushed away the plea from God to connect with Him, and I entered my cave and drowned with the drone of the thoughts of my mind that seemed to come from nowhere with a DVD. After that I played another, then another, and another.... and maybe one more... Oh ok, and one more before going to sleep.

This went on for 4 days solid. I seemed frozen, drowning, and wondering how on earth did I get here? Behind all the distraction my mind was filled with fears, questions, and statements that went something like this (in quick succession with the mixture of 'I's and You's): "What am I doing here? You're a miserable missionary, I should just go home, tell everyone Thailand was not where I was meant to me. They don't like me... no one likes me... you are single, you're still not married after all these years, you'll never meet anyone in Thailand, you're going to find it hard traveling the world and people will think you can't settle. You've not completed that job for your client! What kind of business person do you think you are?! What about all those ideas you've had, you'll never get them completed, it's just not working, you're going to go home with nothing, you'll never make it and now you're now having problems with so-and-so, just go home.... what are you doing here?...

This broken record went round and round... and I let it play on. The morning of Day 4 came with a remembrance of a story I'd heard years ago. The speaker shared that as he was working, some negative thoughts came into his mind out-of-the-blue, and within moments he was under a dark cloud of oppression. he said it was so dramatic and sudden that he discerned it wasn't from his own thinking as he was a chap with a naturally upbeat personality normally. So he tested it by thinking purposefully of negative thoughts, which made him more depressed. Then he prayed out loud, and despite his dark mood, started praising God. Within moments the dark oppression lifted. This story flooded my memory upon wakening.

The story became a stronger new voice in my mind throughout the day, I then decided to tell someone what I was going through. It was hard, I was embarrassed to admit I'd just spent 4 full days watching movies and had wallowed in bad thoughts. But I wrote my friend Sandra back home a long sorrowful, disjointed email. I then text my boss telling him I was going through a personal crisis and could he and his wife pray for me. That was one hard text. I did not wish to admit to him - my boss - I was in such a state. I'd skipped work as well you see and I ignored all phone calls.

The moment I reached out - however fragile I was, the dark cloud of oppression started to lift. It was startling. I then gave God permission to help me and by the next morning I had a bounce in my spirit and in the evening I was choosing to do something more constructive with my time than watch movies and actually craved to spend time with Him. Everything that my mind was saying was a lie, I saw it for what it was... a spiritual attack.

In fact I bounced back so quickly, I feel like a new person and seeing life again with a glass half full attitude. And all those feelings I mentioned earlier have left me. I'm now optimistic, enjoying myself, productive, friendly, laughing, bright and cheerful, with more of a sensitive discernment at the cultural differences around me.

The golden restrooms and money pool of The White Temple - all is well again.

What is even better is, I sat my boss down today and confessed it all to him and he was gracious enough to understand and 'get it' and remind me that it's happened to everyone before me, to those around me, and those yet to come and even to him and his family. We're fighting a spiritual battle. For the record, yes he and his wife did pray for me and I also received an email from her, which I was very grateful for. As did my friend back home.

So, no one was hurt in the writing of this blog post, in fact things have been restored and renewed and I felt impressed this was something important to share - however personal. But that's the point isn't it?

I'm still God's work in progress... as we all are.

If I can ask anyone who is willing - please - please pray that I'm spiritually protected my God Almighty Himself, and add anyone you may know who works in any kind of ministry. Thanks :)

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I threw these pictures in as they were rather fitting I thought, of the content.