my christian story

Sometimes I'm asked, 'Why would you want to be a Christian in this day and age?'

Its always in hindsight that I wish I could of said something a lot more impacting or even cleaver, but for the most part, I tend to feel a yearning, and would rather rip out my heart and put it into the body of the person I'm talking with so they can see/feel for themselves - why I chose to be a Christian. For the most part 'my story' is lengthy, as would anyones life story be, and I try and condense all the gutsy bits into the few minutes we have... yet never feeling I've expressed it just the way it really happened. 

So I thought I'd write it here, letting you, the reader, know the full story - my personal testimony, as it's called.

I am not writing to try to persuade you to 'conform' to my views (God forbid I would even want you too!), unless your heart has a genuine tugging when you finish reading, as you are your own person and God has His perfect plan for you also. I don't know your story about your own faith journey, but if we ever meet I look forward to hearing it, if you're willing to share it with me. I do not at all hope to be perceived as being 'Holier than Thou" so if at any time you start to feel perhaps uncomfortable please forgive me. I'm going to tell you about my journey with God which starts off with a quick overview of my life and at the end hope you'll understand why my faith is as important to me as yours would be to you. As for me, above all else THIS very topic is my MOST important jigsaw piece (the cornerstone) of my life.

I believe with God all things are possible, I know that it is to His joy, honour, and glory to 'draw all men unto Himself' and that He is our Creator and Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour, He knows us so intimately, all the depth of us therefore I have and continue to learn to trust Him.

I'm defiantly not a perfect Christian, I still stumble along lifes road making some major mistakes, dishonouring God through disobedience and even rebellion, and of late I've been under par somewhat, but I know where my heart and life belongs. I know who has my back, I know that we, as humans, ebb and flow… and yet I keep hold of His promise to me "I will finish what I have started in you".

Ok, lets begin. In short I'm a passionate partaker in my walk with God. I am also real and wish to be 'real' and heartfelt with people. I'm sort of a non conformist also…. but let me explain...lol… hope you're not feeling scared…. but it's a bit of an exhilarating ride… :)

Setting the foundation - my growing up years

My younger brother and I were raised by both of our parents. We didn't have any extended family that we saw more than once a year. My folks both moved away from their families for their own personal reasons and they strived to give my brother and myself a life they were never given themselves - I guess all parents want that :). My childhood was FILLED with happy memories of family picnics, caravan rallies, camping and holidays. It was a glorious time for my brother and I. We were protected and loved and neither of us were hurt in any way, either mentally, emotionally or physically. At least not on a serious, messed-up-my-life level…lol.

Only one thing was lacking (hindsight here kicking in) - and as I didn't have it, I never thought to of question it. We didn't have any spiritual training in anything. My parents didn't know God (not their fault, as they were not introduced either), therefore they did not tell us about Him. But instead, as is logical, they wanted us to find our own way spiritually. But neither of them seemed to be on a spiritual path, so we pretty much didn't ever consider there was more in life. NZ is a very secular country so we also never had God in schools.

In my teens I started to unravel a little, I developed a wild rebellious side, I was the good girl on the outside, conforming to everything and everyones expectations of me, while on the inside I felt squashed and I wanted out. I quit school at 16 got my dream job in an art studio only to loose it 18 months later for sticky fingers. This mistake tipped me over the edge as I had shamed my family and myself and I felt like such a failure (took me a decade to work through this). So I left home, moved to the North Island of NZ and was pretty much aimless for a good many years. I got involved with men, recreational drugs, drinking and stealing (in short - sparing you details). I hit rock bottom at 19 when I was caught and arrested for shop lifting. O my poor folks. My bother was always being brought home by the police for fighting in the city, and now I had called them to confess what I had done. A grim faced father flew up to Wellington to attend my court hearing. Bless him, he never pushed me for details… told me yrs later that I was the one who caused him to go grey early. lol… God was looking out for me, and as it was a first offence I was given Community Service and it didn't go on my record. It shocked me enough to rethink my life - as deep down I was still a good girl.

Adult Responsibilities 

I got the travel bug from my dad, and I had a hankering to see the world so I packed up and cruised around Australia for a year. I did all of the above, except the stealing. But I was a little too free with myself. I then spent a year in Japan and loved it, and after then I spent 9 months in England.

This is where my life changed. I was 21/22 and I meet my next holiday romance. Not long after, we learned we were pregnant. For me it was an utter devastation and a total ruining of my life to date. Little did I know it was the very thing towards redeeming my life.

He was from Morocco. We got attached fast and lived together from the 2nd time we meet. Our falling pregnant bonded us more and with the new hormones surging through me, I clung to him. So now with immigration requirements we return to NZ and in a short time I found myself to be a mother and wife, plonked into a little house that my parents brought as an investment for themselves which we rented. 

With responsibilities I was not ready, or grownup enough to handle. I felt like a caged animal. But I loved him and our little girl very much, and I so wanted this new life and did my best - which was really rather sad, as I didn't have a lot to give. I didn't know how to be open, real, honest, committed, kind, and I was filled with the greatest of expectations and I wanted and expected my parents 29 yr marriage to fit neatly into my 9 month marriage. I just didn't know how to active it, neither did he. Long story cut very short, our marriage crumbled and it was over before the year was out and we were divorced by 25. Another failure added salt to my wound… I was so deeply angry with myself. On a good note, he and I stayed good friends for a decade afterwards. Never again as lovers, more like buddies…but his life moved in a new direction and we have not seen or spoken to one another over these past 10 yrs. 

So with the ending of my marriage just round the corner, and knowing it, I needed to turn to something... anything... to get me through this hard place. With no spiritual background to guide me I was cast adrift, so I found myself attending a spiritualist church one Sunday evening. They had someone 'channelling' a spirit and that spirit came and spoke to me telling me things about my life that were true, and got me hooked. It was like a drug. And I became obsessed. It certainly didn't endear me to my husband who was a non-practing Muslim at the time - he told me years later that my getting involved with that 'nonsense' was the straw that broke the camels back for him.

So our marriage ended, and I was left to be responsible for paying off all our accumulated debt and parenting our little girl on my own. Took me 8 yrs to clear it. So now I'm a single Mum, on my own and starved of love and I felt cheated out of my best years and stuck in a self imposing box. 

But God gave me an angel - I could not of asked for a better child. He knew what I could handle, and having her began to settle my heart and helped me to think of someone else other than my own selfish needs all the time.

I got heavily involved with the spiritualist church, then left them and moved into the new age movement. I started opening to all things spiritual and trying new and exciting ways to 'connect' with the spirit realm. I loved crystals and wore them, got my nose and navel pieced, started hearing voices, saw a couple of spirits, had a couple of terrifying experiences with them also, attended spiritual retreats etc… I lived the lifestyle. I was really flaky… so a friend of mine told me one day. lol… a modern day hippy maybe…

The Change

Love was still elusive to me. I was obsessed with men and finding my soulmate blar blar blar I was needy and I had no idea who I really was or what I really wanted in life.

Then one day my best friend, Sandra, surprised me by saying she had decided to return to the Christian faith of her youth. I was mortified! I saw Christians as being too narrow minded and were "holier than thou" and street corner preachers of "the-end-is-near". And now my best friend was one of them. I was really angry with her, and I was surprised I reacted so deeply. I thought I had lost my only friend in the world. 

Sandra, on the other hand, wanted so much that I would share her experience and loved me so much, she couldn't see herself in heaven without her best friend, so she spent two full years praying for me and asking God to show Himself to me. LOL I was a wild unbroken stallion that DID NOT want to be broken in. You'll get a very colourful picture from Sandra about how hard I made it for her…. lol…. but she was so faithful in her love toward me, and even though I didn't trust it at first, my heart started to want what I saw her having. She changed before me. She was so nice, and I was so disillusioned with my life. I felt life just happened to me without asking me what I really wanted out of it. I was 28 and sad and lost in my heart and life. 

Sandra and I - well it was all me really - had many heated arguments, with me storming off in frustration. But God knew what he was doing. Sandra and I had been friends since our teens, she is my longest and dearest friend and although I hated what was going on, I trusted her and loved her so much, to the point of obsession. I was very possessive of all of her, her time and energy I wanted for myself, and was jealous of anyone taking her attention away from me… 

Are you getting a good picture of who I was? :) ...Good….

But slowly over the two years she was praying for me, I began to want to know this God of hers also. And God was strengthening her faith in answering her prayers about me. She would ask God to help me in my life in particular ways if He wanted me to love Him more - and days later I would feel all weird and upset and disillusioned with my life, seeing that everything I had been working for was not happening, I ended up telling Sandra and she never said anything to me, but was just my friend and loved me. She even fixed my dead washing machine one day with prayer alone… she did it loud and proud so I could hear… I was muttering away in the kitchen and she's calling out "O Lord show Tania how much to you love her by helping me figure out how to fix this washing machine for her as she can't afford to get it fixed and they need to wash clothes" … such a laugh as she's more handy than me, but not THAT good with her mechanics… Next thing I hear is the hum of the jolly thing working perfectly and Sandra looking pretty pleased with herself….lol

It was all about winning my heart. :)

The brink

Finally, what grabbed me was a book she left out on purpose, placed 'just so' on the breakfast bar for me to happen to see… lol… cheeky girl. It was a book called "I kissed Dating Goodbye". She'd always try and talk to me about my felt need of love in my life and the way I'd go about finding it. This book was about relationships God's way. I took a peek, looked interesting and asked if I could borrow it. She made a fuss about it wasn't hers and "Oh I don't know Tarn, I need to return it to my friend" which made me push for it even more…. she was playing me so I'd be desperate to read it, she's a very cleaver woman. lol.

It was the first time in my life where I learned about what God wanted to give me as a woman, to a man, in His way, and for the reasons He wanted to bless such a union. It opened such a flood gate deep in my soul and all I could do was cry for the years I had lost, the pain I had gone through because of a lack of good wholesome education. All I was ever told was - "don't do 'it' before you get married". That is just the stuff to encourage you to find out what 'it' was. I felt so cheated to of not being able to experience the joy and fulfilment of knowing a man in the beautiful way the book was describing.

That was a turning point for me. I wanted what was outlined between those pages, therefore my heart was now softened enough for the Lord Himself to come and introduce Himself to me in a very personal way. And He did with such love. I started noticing this change and experiencing moments with Him. e.g: I was in the bath one evening and I felt this warm sensation flood over me, it was such a feeling of love and being loved and accepted for who I was, it left me in tears. It'd been what I longed for. 

Then finally I asked Sandra to pray for me and although I was still too scared to trust this God of hers, I said out loud "if God wants me, He's just going to have to come get me" I felt exhausted in my lifestyle of believing in everything, I just needed the peace and assurance Sandra had.

That night, or a few nights later (don't recall) God came to speak to me in a dream. It was my final and lasting turing point.

In the dream I was standing in an open field. All around me was sun parched, hard, brown dirt. Just before me was a fence and on the other side of the fence was such luscious greenery of long emerald grass, and a huge tree with dappled shade, a warm breeze, a meandering river, it was so beautiful. Then Jesus was there on that side of the fence. I knew it was Jesus, but I registered it as being God. (in my waking mind I didn't believe in Jesus Christ, only the thought that maybe there is a God). 

He said to me… (and this is before I read any Bible!) "Tania, I want to give you a life of abundance" I said "I'd like that" then he replied "But to do that you must choose to follow me and become a Christian". I looked about me and understood what I was seeing… the brown hard packed dry field I was standing in was my (then) current life, the fence before me was my threshold of choice and the lush landscape on the other side was the promise of this abundant life God wanted to give me. I looked into Jesus's eyes and said "Well if I have to be a Christian to have a better life, I want to be one, so yes I will choose to follow you". With that, the dream finished. 

It took me about 3 more weeks to choose it in a more full way from my heart in my waking logical self.

As it happened God had planned everything just so. And days after my own heartfelt decision to become a Christian He sent two woman who were Bible Workers into our area.  (I was now 30 years old). They'd already connected with Sandra and she was keen to study the Bible but they hadn't set a date. Everything fell into place just as I was choosing God.

I had been starting to attend church with Sandra for a while so I kinda knew what to expect…lol… I was curious… then I found a church more suited to me. One that had a feel to it that was similar to my spiritual experience thus far. So I attended church each sunday faithfully, and through the week we'd meet up with Katie and Kerry for bible study, one would teach Sandra and myself and one would teach our children, as we also home schooled our kids at the time.

While attending my church not once did they offer to teach me what the Bible said about how to live a good life. I was so new to learning anything about the Bible and Christianity I just knew whatever it was it had to be the opposite to how I'd been living my life…. My old life was done. 

Over the next two years I went through dramatic changes. I was hungry to know and understand this God and who Jesus was. I wanted to know how I could be different, what was expected of me as being a Christian woman and how to just 'be' with God. But I got so much more out of studying the Bible with Katie and Kerry. I leaned about how to get out of dept through honouring God with tithing my income (I cried over it for days, as it was a lot to trust Him with) but once I stated He moved so fast in blessing me I was out of dept not after with His wise council and blessings (I've tithed my income since). I learned to pray and talk with Him, I learned how to be a better mother, and friend. My hard broken heart began to mend and I put right the wrongs of my past and confessed to God my side of things as I began to see the roll I played in hurting others and even myself. I broke completely away from everything New Age and burned all my books and tarot cards (I'm made money from giving readings) gave all my crystals away. I stopped seeing men, I stopped drinking, I started eating well and adopted a more healthy lifestyle. I removed all my piecing's (I still don't wear any jewellery)… and the list goes on, it just seemed like a natural progression at the time, as I got into a deeper relationship with God.

My heart was totally renewed. But I didn't rush into it, it was a slow 2 yr process until the day, with all the bible study I'd been having I chose to fully commit my life to Him… and the fact that my ego had been totally hammered when I realised that if I was to believe that the Bible is the Word of God, and the truth to life and more real than the life we live, then everything I've ever believed in was a lie…. and that was a hard pill to swallow… so i had a constant challenge in choosing every day if I will follow this God of the Bible.

I studied so much…. I loved it, my life was now different and one day I noticed something amazing….. I now loved what God loved and hated what He hated…. I had been made into a new woman, with a genuine interest in other people and a given a purpose and a will to life and a zest for life. He so thoroughly converted my heart through the Holy Spirit that I could never, nor ever would, want to go back to the life I once lived (admittedly not as bad as some but bad enough for me).

Then one day I studied about Gods law and I realised that I was not remembering the Sabbath, so learned all about what the Sabbath was, who kept it etc etc… it became a conviction and I ended up choosing to be a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. 

Roll on 11 years later - here I am now at 41. The intensity of those days have wained, but the teaching has not, it is in my soul. I love God so much more. But He's shown me that a relationship with Him is like a marriage, a matured wine (if you will) it's grown in depth of love and realness. Some days are diamonds and some are stone. But He's shown me He'll never leave me nor forsake me, and I may get a little neglectful at times to honour Him with the love and attention He deserves but once I realise I come running back to love on him again. As I'm committed to him for the rest of my life. How could I ever choose otherwise. 

Phew that's a lot of work isn't? Just to read it…lol…

However I wanted to tell you why I became a Christian and how it happened so you know it was not a light or even an easy decision. I love a good meaty challenge, and God has already given me the abundant life He promised me, He's been faithful at performing His word in my life, so I can trust Him with my heart and future. I'm not chasing after a false promise of a silly dream. God is every part of my life. God gave me my education, he then told me what He wanted me to do and even told me how to go about achieving it, in business and heading overseas etc …. and has prepared me for the rest of my life.

He told me recently "Wait for the promise in not too many days hence"… I just have to wait. and In the mean time…. I am loving my life obsession free, possessiveness free, in my own womanhood, under God's hand. I know who I am, I like who I am and excited about who I'll become with Him. I'm unencumbered in life for the most part. Today is a good day.

There you have it, you have just been given a glimpse into the core of my being…. for God is the centre of my life and world and heart.