The Crash and the Caving

My intention behind writing this blog was to entertain with witty stories of some of the funny and ordinary things that've befallen me while overseas, cover some of the practicals of travel, to inspire through documenting my personal experiences with God, and, to be brave enough to tell of the not so nice things that I've gone through. In my heart I wanted to give a true account of mission service, so that other mission minded people would get a clearer picture of what they're walking into.

morbid & spooky hanging head

But who really wants to admit to their 'stuff'? Sometimes its just easier to have the 'happy sabbath' face on and not share what's really going on. To give you the impression I've got it all together so much more suits me than to be vulnerable and transparent which would be reserved for my closest of friends. I also want to be careful with my words, I don't want to discriminate, hurt, offend or stretch the truth about any one person or a situation I find myself experiencing, nor do I wish to have you go through my underwear draw!

I've come to realise that everything is perceived from my point of view, and therefore the disclaimer here is "Everything shared is NOT necessarily the opinion of others". Although - you may relate. :)

So - I'm in Thailand. I mean ... THAILAND! The place you told me was SO amazing and assured me that I'd LOVE it. You told me you've been holidaying here for years. You told me about the beaches, and how you learned to dive here. You talked about the food, the shopping, the heat. I was geared up to enjoy Thailand.

Yet 3 months into my service trip I find myself feeling cynical, disgruntled, disillusioned, disappointed, despondent, doubtful, annoyed, irritated and dispassionate, oh, and recently - arrogant and angry and vis-a- vis.

It seemed in one swoop I was in a bad place after the highs of the previous stories I've shared. I mean, God had spoken directly to me, then through me... God!... Who created everything! S.p.o.k.e. toooo meeee!!! And I feel like this so soon after?!

I started feeling challenged on every side. Small things at first - like noticing all the rubbish everywhere to the pong of the klong (waterways), the grime and hustle and bustle of the city, the fact that cars don't really stop as I attempt to cross the road. I wanted to give people a piece of my mind. You should of heard the inside of my head... "If I was in their shoes I would....!!! fix this!".

From that slippery slope, I plunged into issues I persevered in those around me. The cultural delights I'd first noticed started grating on me, I chose not to understand and I think I stepped on toes and caused offense, and it seemed to me I was a bull in a china shop. I was not a happy camper.  

I was being lovingly mentored about the relational aspect of working with the lovely people in the Thai culture, that it's to be first and more important than my task driven, list making orientated ways. Huh?! Think I was looking at an alien - it did not compute.

Still, I wondered at the teaching that I was been spoon feed. But like a stubborn child in a highchair, I refused to eat what was on my plate, but my hair and nappy were full from playing with it.

Then it came. The crash and the caving. 

The White Temple - Chiang Rai, Thailand. Hundreds of sculpted hands reaching up from “Hell”,
symbolizing the way to happiness through overcoming cravings. I made it over the bridge - Phew!

I wanted nothing more to do with people. I almost laughed as I was reminded (God trying to get through to me) of the Pineapple Stories and how the missionary speaker said "I'd be a better missionary if it wasn't for all you natives!". But I pushed away the plea from God to connect with Him, and I entered my cave and drowned with the drone of the thoughts of my mind that seemed to come from nowhere with a DVD. After that I played another, then another, and another.... and maybe one more... Oh ok, and one more before going to sleep.

This went on for 4 days solid. I seemed frozen, drowning, and wondering how on earth did I get here? Behind all the distraction my mind was filled with fears, questions, and statements that went something like this (in quick succession with the mixture of 'I's and You's): "What am I doing here? You're a miserable missionary, I should just go home, tell everyone Thailand was not where I was meant to me. They don't like me... no one likes me... you are single, you're still not married after all these years, you'll never meet anyone in Thailand, you're going to find it hard traveling the world and people will think you can't settle. You've not completed that job for your client! What kind of business person do you think you are?! What about all those ideas you've had, you'll never get them completed, it's just not working, you're going to go home with nothing, you'll never make it and now you're now having problems with so-and-so, just go home.... what are you doing here?...

This broken record went round and round... and I let it play on. The morning of Day 4 came with a remembrance of a story I'd heard years ago. The speaker shared that as he was working, some negative thoughts came into his mind out-of-the-blue, and within moments he was under a dark cloud of oppression. he said it was so dramatic and sudden that he discerned it wasn't from his own thinking as he was a chap with a naturally upbeat personality normally. So he tested it by thinking purposefully of negative thoughts, which made him more depressed. Then he prayed out loud, and despite his dark mood, started praising God. Within moments the dark oppression lifted. This story flooded my memory upon wakening.

The story became a stronger new voice in my mind throughout the day, I then decided to tell someone what I was going through. It was hard, I was embarrassed to admit I'd just spent 4 full days watching movies and had wallowed in bad thoughts. But I wrote my friend Sandra back home a long sorrowful, disjointed email. I then text my boss telling him I was going through a personal crisis and could he and his wife pray for me. That was one hard text. I did not wish to admit to him - my boss - I was in such a state. I'd skipped work as well you see and I ignored all phone calls.

The moment I reached out - however fragile I was, the dark cloud of oppression started to lift. It was startling. I then gave God permission to help me and by the next morning I had a bounce in my spirit and in the evening I was choosing to do something more constructive with my time than watch movies and actually craved to spend time with Him. Everything that my mind was saying was a lie, I saw it for what it was... a spiritual attack.

In fact I bounced back so quickly, I feel like a new person and seeing life again with a glass half full attitude. And all those feelings I mentioned earlier have left me. I'm now optimistic, enjoying myself, productive, friendly, laughing, bright and cheerful, with more of a sensitive discernment at the cultural differences around me.

The golden restrooms and money pool of The White Temple - all is well again.

What is even better is, I sat my boss down today and confessed it all to him and he was gracious enough to understand and 'get it' and remind me that it's happened to everyone before me, to those around me, and those yet to come and even to him and his family. We're fighting a spiritual battle. For the record, yes he and his wife did pray for me and I also received an email from her, which I was very grateful for. As did my friend back home.

So, no one was hurt in the writing of this blog post, in fact things have been restored and renewed and I felt impressed this was something important to share - however personal. But that's the point isn't it?

I'm still God's work in progress... as we all are.

If I can ask anyone who is willing - please - please pray that I'm spiritually protected my God Almighty Himself, and add anyone you may know who works in any kind of ministry. Thanks :)

Want to read about how God has used me?

If this post has been encouraging you're welcome to share it.

I threw these pictures in as they were rather fitting I thought, of the content.

The laziest of days

Rain persisted down all night, which made for great sleeping and upon waking, for a cosy lie-in for hours. Seems it doesn't matter what culture you belong to, everyone in the house had the same thoughts and no one stirred till about 9 am with a call to gang kai (eating) at 10. While it was still bucketing down, we enjoyed a hot breaky of rice, green veggies with garlic, roasted nuts and omelet.

This this the coldest I've been in Thailand, though still wearing a t-shirt with arms bare, I could really use a second layer to warm up. I actually stood by the open kitchen fire for a few minutes to do just that and while eating, the dog, obviously sensing my slight discomfort, slept on my tootsies keeping that part of me warm. Off course he was duly rewarded with on-purpose accidental dropping of food from my bowl - what a lovely doggy.

I avail myself of the toileting facility and notice that with all the rain the bath is now full and overflowing and while using the amenities I was also showered with droplets of water from the gaps and holes in the iron roof above me - ahhh, gotta love country living.

The sauna was ready again and I was offered first dibs - O heaven! 45min in there then a freezing few buckets of water afterwards, now I'm all wrapped up back in bed. There's nothing else to do, so it's a relaxing Sunday of reading, writing, snoozing and eating. Power is out so writing by hand to save laptop battery. During my sleep it seemed the neighbours all around learned about our sauna and are all lined up outside to get their turn. It's actually a way they can make a bit of extra money and for 80B about 14 people enjoyed what I was offered for free.

The village people started arriving for their own sauna treatment - at the end of the day the family had earned 1000B - about NZ$40

This time I enjoyed the sauna in the rain - almost heaven!

This is what we did all day long, read by light as power was out.

The afternoon consisted of much the same procedure as the morning, and after a pretty wonderful mid morning, early afternoon sleep, lunch was served. That over, some more reading, writing and another snooze saw me through to dinner time, which had to be in the light as power never returned to the village. After dinner I had another sauna and don't really know what else to do, so, you guessed it, I'm back in bed, reading, writing and considering another snooze. Rain is starting up again.... cosy. Needless to say, we didn't find any elephants today. Night all.

Sabbath with a Mountain Tribe

Sabbath has ended with the booming of thunder, an amazing lightening display in the heavens and rain on the tin roof above me. I'm all cosy in my bed, underneath my pink mosquito net - feeling very much like a princess - and I'm looking forward to lights out shortly, either by choice or storm related power cut. I'm lost somewhere in the mountains of Chiang Rai amongst the hill tribes. Pieter and I are the only farang here, which we're thrilled about and the place is totally breathtaking, photos can not capture the grandeur of the vista about us. It feels like the top of the world here - mountains lush with jungle and bamboo. Lychee orchards are prolific on the steep mountainsides, in fact it seems every tree we see are dripping with the small fruit, and this is the place to enjoy the sweetest offerings of this delicacy in all of Thailand, so I'm told, and we've travelled 1000's of km's to taste them - we were NOT disappointed!

My little hide-away under my pink mosquito net with the natural light from the outside taking away the total darkness of a day or two without power.

We're visiting our Thai co-workers family and village nestled amongst the hills. They speak their own dialect, so Thai doesn't really help but I say it all the same, when I remember a word or two. To my surprise both Pieter and myself were given a room each, such a privilege! I've been sharing not only a room, but a bed with Goi for 3 weeks. 

Walking up to church behind the house with a lovely view over the village

Today is the day we attend church, and yes, there is actually a church here and a Pastor. We've meet before, he's about my age, speaks English well, and really easy to talk with. I laugh to myself after we climb the hill behind our house to church, a small building with wooden window shutters - and no seats inside. My body is quietly rebelling at sitting on the ground - again. Mats are rolled out and we all sit on the floor. I tell my body to shush. This is the smallest congregation I've joined in with since arriving in Thailand - there are 11 of us, including the Pastor and Nana who is completely deaf and excludes the breast feeding toddler and the puppy who followed us. The Pastor can speak the 3 languages represented and does a fine job in including us all. 3 songs are sung in the tribal tongue, they sound really lovely. Prayer - I've not yet figured out what to do with myself while prayer is offered in a language I don't understand and I usually find myself talking to God also "I've no idea what they're saying Lord, but I say Amen". Off course the Pastor wishes both Pieter and myself to share our testimonies while he translates, that fills the next 20 or so minutes then we turn to the text he wants us to read and we all take a turn and read a verse in our various tongues, then he preaches - that's where he lost me... as he's speaking the local dialect again. But it was an experience to be sure. Everything is finished at 10am and we are asked if we wish to have lunch. No we didn't as breakfast was only a short while ago.

Our little get-together. The Pastor center showing us the church and preaching while sitting on the floor - Love what they've done with the furnishings. Nana who was deaf and the boys sitting together through worship.

We know we're welcomed as Goi's family are bending over backwards to make us feel at home. Goi tells us that her father has been cooking for us, which is very special and very delish. They seem to take great delight at my facial expressions and exclamations of the level of chilli I've just eaten. Goi's teased me this whole trip with my vocal level of "no chilli please" with "A baby could eat this!". I must say I am getting used to some chilli and it's most reassuring of the hospitality being offered as people run in all directions falling over themselves in getting me some water to drink as I've accidentally eaten something I wished I hadn't in the chilli line and my face is screwed up, tears are rolling down my cheeks and I'm making sucky noises. I think they find me rather amusing. Silly fergan. Still I love their food.

The lovely view over the village from the porch

The wonderful kitchen where the rustic open fire made our meals, even with no power and all things were completed while squatting. Though I loved the table with chairs to eat...sigh

Our outing for today consisted of us being driven over mountainous terrain to visit Grandma and her Lychee orchard in another village where there is only solar power... cool. 4WD trucks are very cool to stand in while driving the 14km to her village, something we can't do at home, so you'll always see Pieter and I standing on the back. Something grabbed at my mind - these Lychee orchards are on steep hillsides. Well, yes, and when we got to our one it was no different. Once the truck could no longer follow the path, we walked.... straight down! O boy. Going straight down meant only one thing - climbing straight up afterwards. I made it half way down, told everyone to go on without me, climbed back up - died - revived - continued - died again and made it back to the truck (so pleased no one saw the state I was in) and spent a wonderful time hearing nothing but nature. It was truly wonderful - once I'd recovered. Before too long everybody made it back all hot and sweaty. The young men were first carrying large sacks of Lychee and looked totally pooped but bounced back soon, as young men do. The Pastor had picked me a bunch of lychee... ummm yum.

The mountain vista, the road traveled while standing in the back of a ute and Lychee orchard

Then it rained. And rained, And rained some more. See Pieter washing his feet?

Later, after my much needed nana-nap, I found Goi and her mother around a small wooden crate with a plastic top which had two wholes cut out. It turned out to be a makeshift sauna for us to enjoy. They were prep-ing it, building a fire, getting it all hot and fed it while both Pieter and myself sat, sweated and cleansed inside. They'd also re-modelled the crate from one user to house two of us with a dividing wall and two doors. There was some special herbs wafting around us mixed within the smoke, something like sage, but not, and as the sun was setting and the lightening begun we enjoyed the unexpected blessing. It was amazing. Afterwards we both went and had a cold bucket bath which was freezing after such a hot experience. Then as we sat down to dinner this sense of being 'high' overcome both of us. I was all giggly and light headed while Pieter was asked if his camera was in his room and answered "I don't know what's in my room but I'm really happy right now" which set us off into fits of giggles again.

So here I am ending my Sabbath, under my pink mosquito net, enjoying the pelting rain, wishing I didn't have to get up to turn the light out as I'm all comfy. I'm feeling all internally cleansed, wholesome and sleepy.

Our treat for the night - a homemade sauna with the special 11 herbs and spices added

This part of our trip has been an absolute highlight. Tomorrow we're off to find some elephants.

Read about the exciting - yawn - of the next day also

Experiencing God

I love a good preacher, and I've been inspired by many over the years, but I do take them and what they do for granted. Each week I expect the preacher to ...well ...preach, without any thought what it has taken them to create something rousing, inspiring, challenging, heartfelt and a personal message to me from God. That's a lot to expect eh? But there you go, it's part of the nature of their job I guess with a great big dollop of calling from God in their lives. Every now and again I hear comments like "I could never do what he does". With such high expectations as mine, no, neither could I!

However I've noticed something interesting since I left home to be a volunteer missionary. It's not all that surprising really, as I've seen that God will use every bit of talent or gift that he's given you to use it for His purpose if you allow Him. One of the gifts He gave me was a sanguine nature, which comes with a handy dandy ability to not to be shy in front of a group of people (within reason). I have also noticed, when asked to 'preach', I get nervous with a douse of butterflies and although I've done it maybe twice 'officially' it sets my knees knocking and turns my solar plexus to jelly. But ask me to share just moments, or, at most, the night before, I'm totally at ease. This is where God is using me and it's been an incredibly uplifting experience.

I remember having a one-on-one with the Lord before leaving home where I said to Him, "If you'd like me to share anything about what You've done in my life and going through, I'd be happy to do so". And so it began, in being asked to share about how I came to be in Thailand, next it was a lecture about graphic design as a tool for the church, then sharing something encouraging at church, someone on the street who was a new Christian and wanted to talk and so on and so forth.

I love the art of spontaneity, and although I shouldn't be, I am totally amazed that the Lord chooses to speak to and through me in this way. In fact, even while writing this I'm reminded of the story of God telling Moses that He wanted him to go and be His spokesmen in Egypt to free His people, as they banter about it God finally says in Exo 4:12  "Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." This has been what I've been experiencing, maybe in a less than grand way as was Moses's commission - I've not yet spoken to the King of Thailand, but I've heard the very thing that the Lord wishes me to say next.

One such time I was sitting in the congregation having no idea I was about to be called upon. Apparently I was the 'special' item as someone else didn't show up. The church was packed! About 30-40 people. As I approached the front I still had no idea what I was to say. Smiling I introduce myself and ask everyone to pray with me, in prayer I silently ask the Lord in my heart "What do You wish that I share?" And like Moses of old arguing about the duty he's been commissioned with, the Lord actually tells me to share about what He's just revealed to me about an aspect of my life. All within the space of the short prayer I struggle with what's been asked of me. It was so fresh, only days old, I was feeling rather vulnerable and was still processing the new information given me. But God asked that I share it. So upon saying Amen, I begin, and each time I pause for air, the Lord would tell me what to say next. At the end of talking - maybe 15-30 minutes later. Woman were wiping their eyes and men were sitting on the edge of their seats. So something that was shared God used to touch them to heal them and love them. I am awed and humbled that I am used in this way. What's more, it continually shows me that God is real and cares about everything in my and others lives. That He would actually speak to us! How amazing is that?!


To date the hardest, or rather, the most unusual situation I was placed in was a men's prison in central Thailand. My video production team had been granted permission to visit and film as we were interviewing an ex-inmate who had found God while incarcerated and we were filming how his life had changed since. We needed b-roll (the story part) and hence being in the prison he'd been in. We expected to be flies on the wall, but little did we know what was expected of us. We walked into a hall and sitting in front of us waited 50 men wanting to hear us speak! We didn't realise this until the Pastor, who brought us, had gone to the front to introduce what we were there for first, then turned to me asked me to share something encouraging with the men. !!!. I was stunned. What could I possibly say to them that didn't sound like some sort of Christian glib generic encouragement, I mean here I am, a white woman from a different country and culture, a mother, having no point of reference with these men, who didn't even understand me. There was no trust between us, some of them looked board already and I became concerned with my attire of shorts and t-shirt - very causal but necessary for the heat. So I asked God on the spot to help me. And immediately the answer was given, "Tell them of the time you were arrested". So I did. While that was being translated I was told the next thing to say. In a nut shell it all basically covered all the mistakes I'd made, habits I had etc and why I finally turned to God in life and how my life has changed in knowing Him. The board faces turned to smiles, nods, and laughter in the right places with a few hearty Amen's and Hallelujah's from a chap in the front row. Afterwards, when the others had also shared I was invited to come up again and offer prayer and 3 men came up for special prayer for healing.

Jail - being searched, and taking a couple of sneaky pics (shhh). The men waiting for us, can't show their faces
due to protecting their privacy on line. The inmates respectfully always kept their below their the heads of the guards (and us) other than walking by. Note 2nd row left pic of an inmate talking with a guard - That was a strange experience.

My reaction afterwards when I was on my own? I cried - being totally overwhelmed with what had happened. I felt honoured, in awe and humbled that not only being a blessing but felt I was given a blessing also. My God talks to me, far out!

I am a conductor in-between the God of the universe and the translator... to Him be the glory.

So I'm excited to wonder just what he'll do next. 

If you'd like to share this I invite you to do so.